Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
