I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I did not marry a roomba.
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