Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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