pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
