I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
