I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
