did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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