Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
