My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
