i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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