so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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