Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no, he came in my armpit
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
