so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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