We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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