why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
