I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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