Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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