I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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