There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
