p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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