im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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