he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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