Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
