Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
