I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
