Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
