I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
