Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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