I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
