I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have aggressive nipples.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.