____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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