i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
