So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
