bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
