dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
