I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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