I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
