Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
