i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
