Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
