Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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