dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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