when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pooping to opera.
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