all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
