he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
