Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
