The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
