i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We don't watch enough power rangers
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
