I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
