My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
