I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
