I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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