I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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