She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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