Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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