Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
