I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
