I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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