I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
