I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
