I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
