Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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